All the Right Wrongs
by sydneyshai
Summary: "Four days. Four days since I had almost lost Eli before I'd barely had the chance to discover him. Now I wasn't even sure he still wanted me to have that chance." After Vegas Night Clare and Eli are at a crossroads in their relationship. Eclare.
1. Falling Into History

**O N E.**

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_Falling into History_

* * *

**clare**.

'I think I'd rather die in place of someone I love. It seems like a nice way to go; knowing that the person is still safe and alive, comforted by the idea of my noble end.'

I rolled my eyes and and chucked my copy of Fortnight across my grandmother's guest bedroom.

"Doesn't she understand how stupid she sounds? What about the fact that now she's dead, and that the person that loves her has to deal with the fact that she's never coming back." I muttered bitterly to myself, glaring at the offending piece of literature that was now dangling precariously off of one end of the vanity against the opposite wall.

It had been four days since the infamous Vegas Night catastrophe. Four days since I had stared my own mortality in the face and seen it reflected back at me in the glint of a steel knife. Four days since I had been exiled to Kingston while my parents made a futile attempt to "work things out." Four days since I had almost lost Eli Goldsworthy when I had barely had the chance to discover him.

Four days, ten hours, and forty-five minutes.

I was over being sad. At this point I was just angry. Angry that this had to happen to me, and that in a way, it was my fault. If I had just stopped trying to be the peacemaker, I never would have said yes to Fitz's ultimatum, Eli (most likely) would have waited to make him puke, and then it would have never happened. I was done with the tears, and now I was left being bitter, indignant, and somewhat unforgiving.

"Clare?" my grandmother's knock at the door startled me from my thoughts and I felt myself tense reflexively, "What was that bang? Did one of the shelves fall?" I sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

"No. I'm alright." I responded in the most docile tone I could muster.

"Oh." there was a pause and I could almost hear her struggling with whether or not to try to make conversation, "Can I come in?"

My grandmother had easily been able to detect that something was off when I had gotten there. My parents knew something had happened at the dance, but I wasn't about to tell them, or anyone else. At the same time, I couldn't just be normal and pretend it had never happened.

The first two days I had spent bawling my eyes out up in my bedroom, barely managing to keep it together during mealtimes, which were silent and just as depressing. Once the saltwater Niagara Falls had ceased to exist, I walked around the house, but remained silent.

I had felt guilty at first; I hadn't seen my Gram in months, and it was supposed to be time for us to catch up. But then I remembered that my parents' marriage was slowly crumbling from the inside out, my sister was off in Kenya saving the world while mine fell apart, for the first time in my life I was doubting my faith, and I had almost lost the one person that was beginning to matter. Suddenly I didn't feel quite so bad anymore.

"Sure." I answered flatly. Gram entered the room slowly and settled herself at the foot of the bed, resting a hand gently on my feet.

"Are you feeling better? You've seemed upset these past few days." she observed tentatively.

"Yes. Thank you." I replied indifferently, brushing my bangs from my eyes. Gram smiled.

"It's nice to see those pretty eyes again." she remarked. My mind automatically, connecting one subject to the next.

_'Eyes. Pretty-'_

"Eli." the name danced across my lips before I even registered that I should try to hold it back.

____

* * *

_**ELI.**_

_"You know what, fine. We're done. Goodbye, Eli." Julia's brown eyes were on fire as she stalked over to her bike. I ran a hand through my hair and tried to think rationally through my anger. We'd been screaming at eachother for so long I was having some trouble remembering exactly what I was supposed to be apologizing for. _

_"Jules, wait-" She whipped around to face me._

_"Save it Eli. I'm finished." I watched hopelessly as she pedalled off into the darkness, waiting a split second before running after her. _

_I followed her out onto the main road_.

_"Jules, please-" There was a thundering car horn, a screech of tires, and I watched in horror as Julia was thrown onto the asphalt. _

_I ran over to her and gathered her body into my arms. But it wasn't Julia anymore. It was Clare. Fitz's knife was protruding from her side, and I could see the blood seeping through her clothes onto my hands._

_"Clare-"_

_"It's okay, Eli, I forgive you." Clare wheezed, "It's not your fault." _

_Slowly, her blue eyes closed, and didn't open again._

I awoke suddenly, drenched in a cold sweat, gasping for air.

Sitting up in bed, I ran my hands through my hair and looked around the room. The early morning sunlight was seeping in through my dark curtains and I could hear my dad doing something in the kitchen. A new day was dawning. How fan-fucking-tastic.

I took a deep breath and swung my legs over the edge of my bed and rested my head in my hands. I hadn't had nightmares like this since Julia had died.

I glanced at my nightstand and realized I hadn't even bothered to answer my phone in days. I had been too busy wallowing in self pity. I reached over and grabbed it.

____

_Four new text messages from Adam Torres_

_Eli. I'm sorry about what happened at the dance, man? You want to hang? _

_Dude, there's a sale at Comix Emporium, want to go? _

_Eli- I know you're upset about Fitz and Clare, but you've got to let it go for now. You can get her back after break._

_Oh my God. My mom's been talking to the school board. Simpson wasn't kidding when he said things were going to change._

I smirked. Adam was probably having a spaz for no reason. There was absolutely nothing they could do that would change Degrassi short of setting the school on fire and building another one on top of the ashes. The place was almost cursed with over-hyped teen drama.

I scanned the messages again and noticed there were none from Clare. I cursed myself yet again for not trying to talk to her before she left for Kingston.

I tossed my phone back onto my bed and stumbled out of my bedroom and down to the kitchen.

My father was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper and drinking out of an economy-sized coffee mug. I doubt he would have noticed me walk in even if I had come in naked and confessed to him that I was gay. Ever since mom died when I was thirteen, we've been more like roommates than anything else. Roommates that ignore each other and pretend the other one doesn't exist. He claimed it was because I reminded him of her. Because we had the same eyes. There was probably some evil teacher that was secretly in love with her out there somewhere too, a la Harry Potter.

"Your school called last night, Elijah." I stopped in the middle of pouring my cereal. I hadn't heard my dad speak in well over a week and a half. This was not how I pictured our next conversation. I turned to face him.

"Yeah? What did they say?" I asked casually. Maybe they wanted to commend me on my heroic behavior at Vegas Night.

"They wanted me to be made aware that the school will be taking disciplinary actions following your behavior at the end of term dance. Is there anything you want to tell me Elijah?" he asked impatiently. I rolled my eyes.

"Didn't they already tell you?" I countered defensively. My father folded his paper and removed his glasses in what I assumed was an attempt at looking stern and parental. I had force back a laugh.

"No, as a matter of fact, they did not. They assumed you had already told me the details." This time I did laugh.

"Right. Because we're just so close that I tell you everything important." My temper had been so close to the boiling point these last few days and I could feel it dangerously close to an explosion. Dad narrowed his eyes.

"Elijah stop being dramatic and please enlighten me." he stated in an exasperated tone.

"Fine. You really want to know? I made a sociopathic neanderthal come after me and my girlfriend with a knife. How's that for enlightenment?" I snapped back at him. He sat up straighter in his seat and blinked a few times.

"Well. I'm glad you aren't hurt, but Elijah you should know better than to taunt someone with anger problems. Think of Julia-" I felt my eyes widen and the anger bubbled over.

"How could you even say that." I snarled, "How dare you compare to that asshole to her!"

"Elijah-"

"Just stop dad! Would you have even noticed if I didn't come home that night?" I took a deep breath, and walked back towards the stairs. Either my father had the good sense not to answer, or just didn't bother to respond at all.

Wordlessly I ran up the steps and automatically grabbed Morty's keys and my phone. I needed to escape this prison of a house.

I left the house without even bother to try to make up with my dad. He'd most likely forget the whole thing in about a week anyways.

I sent a quick text to Adam as I started Morty's engine.

_Coming to get you in ten. We're going out._

He responded within the minute.

_Nice to see you haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Where're we going?_

I smirked.

_Absolutely no idea._

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**A/N- Eh. So there's the first chapter, hope you enjoyed. I'm not going to hold the next chapter hostage until I get X amount of reviews, but they definitely help me know whether or not this story is worth continuing! I'm open to any kind of criticism, plot ideas, OOC critiques, whatever you've got to say :) **

**Song for this chapter is Falling into History by Brie Larson**

**Sydney**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Degrassi. If I did, Eli & Clare would have had more screentime during the boiling point :)**


	2. Time to Wake Up

__

**T W O. **

_Time to Wake Up._

* * *

_**clare.**_

_I'm a little shy but wait till you know me._

_Take me for a ride it wont take you long._

_Look in my eyes is there something you see._

_If you want me let me know._

_Or let me go...  
_

* * *

_'Eyes. Pretty-'_

_"Eli." the name danced across my lips before I even registered that I should try to hold it back._

"Clare Elizabeth Edwards, do you mean to tell me that this has all been because of a boy?" Gram's words were chastising, but her tone was teasing. I blushed a deeper shade of red and felt the icy facade I'd been wearing begin to melt away. I looked down at my hands.

"Kind of. It's sort of a long, tragic story." I muttered. Gram laughed.

"We've got time dear, I'm not about to keel over and die just yet, you know." I met her eyes for the first time that week.

"There are parts of it that I'm not proud of." I explained slowly. Gram gave me a warm smile and patted my foot comfortingly.

"Clare, if we were all proud of everything we've done in our lives, we wouldn't be living very much would we? Now go on and start, God only knows I could do with a good story. Especially a love story if this goes the way I think it does." She winked at me.

I waited for that feeling of hesitation to set in, but it never came. I took a deep breath and began to speak.

I started with the day my glasses were crushed to pieces alongside my view of the world, and told her everything from there. I explained my parents' fighting, Adam and Gracie, the war with Fitz, Vegas Night, and Eli. Stubborn, cynical, sarcastic Eli that had almost lost everything because of his stupid pride. It was weird though, each time I started to explain a new event or subject I kept telling myself that I wouldn't tell her everything. But everything just kept coming out. It felt good too, therapeutic even, as cliche as it sounded.

By the time I had explained everything up to the present, my grandmother looked like she was about to pass out in anticipation of the fairytale happy ending. I was almost afraid to tell her that there wasn't one. That there probably wasn't going to be one.

"...and then he drove me home and told me that maybe we just needed to wait a little bit more. That maybe it just wasn't the right time for us."

There was a ringing silence that hung in the air once I'd finished.

"Well, you've certainly spun yourself quite a web there, Miss Clare. Are you sure this isn't West Side Story?" Gram asked, amused.

"No. And yeah, I know." I admitted quietly.

"I can't even imagine." she said in a faraway voice, "Watching your grandfather die in a hospital bed was horrible enough, to think I was about to watch him die at the hands of another human being..." Gram trailed off for a moment.

I nodded wordlessly, watching Fitz's knife fly towards Eli in my mind's eye. Gram's face softened and she rubbed my foot again.

"You're going to be okay, Clare. You've dealt with much worse, and you've only become stronger." she said gently

"I might have believed that a month ago." I answered bitterly, "Ever since I met Eli, I feel like my life has just been one rollercoaster after another. I'm not sure I can deal with it anymore." I sighed defeatedly and rested my head in my hands. I felt my grandmother get up from the bed.

"Clare. I know you can handle this. I think your mistake has been thinking that you can get through this mess alone." she said sternly.

"That's not true." I bit back denfensively, "I have to do it alone. Everybody else abandons me."

It was the first time I'd admitted it out loud, but I'd been thinking about it for a long time. I hadn't known one person that hadn't left me at some point in time. KC, Darcy, my parents, even Alli.

"Clare Elizabeth, I have not abandoned you, and I'm sure that that boy didn't do so intentionally. Didn't he tell you why he hadn't backed down?" Gram's voice was stern, but at that moment I didn't want to hear it.

"He did, but that's not the point! He should have been able to get over it." I felt tears threatening to fall again, and desperately blinked them away.

I looked up at my grandmother, ashamed. Her face immediately softened.

"I'm sorry dear. But it seems to me that you holing yourself up here is abandoning them." she informed me gently.

And then it all came crashing down on me. I had abandoned them Alli both had needed someone that night, and I had been so wrapped up in my own darkness that I hadn't even bothered to help them. Even then, I hadn't bothered responding to any of their facerange chats, emails, or texts since break had started.

"I did abandon them." I whispered in disbelief, "This is all my fault." Gram gathered me into her arms.

"Oh, honey. I don't believe that this is all your fault. I think you've all just made some mistakes." she said carefully, "But that doesn't mean they can't be fixed. Maybe not easily, but certainly not irreparable."

I looked up at her, and wiped my eyes again.

"What if I'm not quite ready to forgive Eli for the things he did?" I asked nervously. Even though I could sympathize with him, I still wasn't ready to deal with the whole range of emotions that came with being around Eli all the time. Gram pursed her lips.

"I don't think you have to be ready to fix everything at one time, Clare. Start with one person at a time." she suggested before pulling something out of her pocket and holding it out to me. I looked down at my cell phone. I smiled up at her sheepishly.

"You left this on the kitchen table the day you got here. Damn thing won't stop buzzing. Adam keeps texting to make sure you aren't dead yet."

* * *

_**ELI.**_

_I'm a little rough around the edges._

_Takes me a while to admit when im wrong._

_Some people say im lost; im searching for something._

_If you find it let me know_

_Or let me go..._"So where exactly are we going?" Adam asked as he slammed the Morty's passenger door shut. I shrugged and pulled out of the Torres' driveway.

* * *

"Wherever you want to go." I responded nonchalantly. Adam sighed and looked out the window for a minute before looking back at me.

"Look. Eli, I get that you're upset about Clare, but I'm seriously worried about your mental state. You spent all this week completely shut off and then suddenly everything's okay? I mean, I'm all for hanging out, man, but you can't just bottle it all up. It's not healthy. I would know." he said quietly.

I felt my hands tense on the steering wheel and struggled to keep my eyes on the road. Figures that Adam would be the one person to see through everything.

"The school called my house." I admitted, glancing over at him, "Apparently they will be taking disciplinary action against me and Clare when break is over. Anyways, because me and my father are just so close, he wanted to know what I did that was so terrible." Adam looked over at me again with wide eyes.

"Did you actually tell him?" he asked in disbelief. I scoffed and felt my self give a coundescending laugh.

"Yeah. I did." I said harshly, "And you know what he said? He told me I should know better than to taunt people with anger management problems. He mentioned Julia and I kind of lost it." Adam exhaled sharply.

"That's rough. I'm sorry, man." I shook my head.

"Don't be. He was going to find out anyways. Anyways, I'll probably end up with two week's detenion max. With Clare if I'm lucky." I responded, trying to keep my voice from displaying the hopeful tone that I felt inside. Adam cleared his throat nervously as we pulled up outside the Dot.

"Eli. There's something you should know." he stated seriously. I raised an eyebrow at him before killing Morty's engine and getting out, Adam following me.

"Right. Can you see dead people now or something?" I teased as we entered the cafe and sat down at a table. Adam scowled at my sarcasm before continuing.

"No. Look, I'm serious. You know how my mom's on the school board?" he began, fiddling with the napkin on the table. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah...and this is relevant because...?" I said impatiently, "Adam just spit it out already. What happened to 'it's better to rip the bandage off'?"

I couldn't remember Adam ever acting this jumpy, aside from when he, for lack of a better term, _came out_ to Clare and me. He looked like the rabbit that had been cornered by the fox.

"Simpson wasn't kidding when he said things were going to change. He and my mom have been working on installing a whole new code of conduct. Eli, it's going to be bad." he said quickly, his eyes looking down at his feet. I quirked an eyebrow.

"How bad?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. Adam shook his head.

"They're not finished yet, but so far they've definitely finalized metal detectors, photo IDs, and uniforms." I flinched. Wonderful.

"Lovely. I've always wanted to go to school in a prison." I remarked bitterly. Adam gave a strangled sort of laugh.

"Tell me about it. This term is going to suck." he groaned, putting his head on the table in defeat. I patted his arm in mock sympathy, and felt his phone buzz on the table. He sat up quickly and snatched it up, looking at the screen hopefully.

"Ugh. It's Drew." he said sounding slightly deflated, "He wants me to text Alli again. Apparently she won't respond to his texts." I rolled my eyes.

"Considering she found him in the boiler room with Bianca, I'm not surprised." I informed him sardonically, "Who did you think it was anyways?" He looked sheepish.

"Oh, just you know, because you decided to come out and face the light today, I thought maybe Clare might too." he admitted, "You know, because you two were just about connected at the mind last week." he added as though it were obvious. I sighed heavily and ran my hands through my hair.

"Sorry. That 'connection' was severed by Fitz's knife last weekend." I snapped. I was beginning to regret going out with Adam. Talking to Adam inadvertently meant talking about Clare, which was something I'd been trying to avoid all week.

"So?" Adam countered, "Eli, Clare probably feels the same way you do. She hasn't answered any of my texts either, except in her case, she's stuck all alone at her grandmother's house with nobody to help her get over it. You both made mistakes that night. Why can't you both just get over your own stupid problems and call eachother."

I scowled at him.

"It's not that simple Adam. She said she didn't know if she could still be with me." I said softly. Adam shook his head defiantly.

"Only because you were being an ass! She called me before the dance and said-" He was interrupted by his phone buzzing again. He rolled his eyes before looking at it.

"No Drew, I will not-" Adam's eyes widened, "It's Clare."

I felt my heart immediately leap in my chest. It was automatic; just hearing her name made me lose any train of thought that I'd had. It all came flying back- her hair, her lips, her eyes, everything.

"What did she say?" I asked, sharper than intended. Adam wordlessly handed me the phone, and I looked down at it, trying fruitlessly to hide the eagerness from my face.

_Adam. I'm sorry I haven't texted you back. I've just been really lost. But I'm ready to talk now. I just really need a friend right now. -C_

"We have to go see her." I declared. Adam gave me a strange look.

"Eli, are you sure you want to-" I nodded. I'd already made so many mistakes with Clare, I couldn't bear to make another one.

"Where does her grandmother live?" I asked desperately. Adam quickly averted his eyes from mine.

"Uh, yeah, I have no idea. That really-" I rolled my eyes.

"Adam, come on. I know you know." I gave him a hard look, and he shook his head emphatically.

"I have absolutely no clue where-"

"Adam, did you not tell Clare where I lived when I _expressly _told you not to?" I inquired. Adam gave me a pained look.

"Yeah, but she threatened my-" I plowed on over his protests, I almost had him.

"So wouldn't you conclude that you _owe_ me this one favor?" I wheedled. Adam gave a long groan and I knew he had given in.

"Kingston! Her grandmother lives in Kingston!" With a tremendous sigh, he threw his head back down on the table in complete failure.

In my mind I was already computing how fast we could get there. Kingston was only about three hours away. We could be there and back by ten tonight. I stood up and glanced at Adam.

"So I take it you're coming?" I asked cheerfully, grabbing Morty's keys off of the table. Adam sat up and glared at me before standing up and following me out the door.

"I want your's and Clare's firstborn once this is all over." He announced as we settled into Morty, "And a lifetime supply of Comics and Mountain Dew." he added as an afterthought.

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah. I'll get right on that." I muttered sarcastically before setting out onto the open road.

* * *

_I dont know which way to go,_

_And I wont ever know what the future holds._

_Now staying here i got to know._

_I'm leaving so tell me goodbye._

_Take my time cause i got to find if its right_

_Cause I'm dreaming my life away_

_And its time to wake up_

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**A/N- This one took me forever to write. I really was trying hard to get the emotions just right without being completely over-dramatic :) So just a couple of things-**

**1. Song for this chapter is Time to Wake Up by Carly Patterson. I decided to incorporate the lyrics as the quotes before each of their POVs & at the end. Did you like/dislike, would you rather I just use them at the end, not at all, etc.**

**2. OOC-ness. This is one of my hugest pet-peeves when I read stories, so please let me know if you see it, feel like I'm doing a terrible job (I had a little bit of trouble with Adam during his & Eli's conversation)**

**3. Thank you to all of my reviewers/subscribers/favoriters! It is very much appreciatiated!**

**4. Am I getting too dramatic? I really really want this story to be completely plausible as a follow-up to the boiling point as far and Clare and Eli's relationship goes.**

**Again, I won't hold Chapter Three hostage, but reviews make me work a lot faster & and they make me very happy :D**

**Sydney**

**PS. sorry for those of you that got alerted for this chapter twice...I accidentally uploaded it by mistake and had to delete it so I could finish editing...my bad... **


	3. Heartbeat

**T H R E E.**

_Heartbeat._

* * *

_**ELI.**_

* * *

It's not like me to be nervous. Or any other connontation of the word. Nervous, anxious, on edge, whatever. It's just not like me. So how in hell am I supposed to justify the fact that my heart is beating like a parakeet's hyped up on crack. Oh right. It's because I'm driving halfway across the province to find a girl that probably hates me, mainly because I dated her, almost got her killed _by her own date_, and then effectively dumped her and refused to talk to her, all in the span of about twenty-four hours.

We couldn't even make this work for _one fucking day_. So what makes me think this is going to last as long as I secretly want it to?

We'd been on the road for a good two hours and the same thoughts had been circling around my mind for the better part of that time period. I tapped my fingers rhythmically on the steering wheel and glanced over at Adam sitting in the passenger seat. He had insisted that we make a "man stop" at the Mobil Station down the street from the Dot. I had assumed he meant to make sure we would have enough gas, but instead he promptly bought four bags of chips, and two two liters of Mountain Dew, stating that "this is just the beginning", the latter of which he was now passed out cradling.

I smirked at his immaturity and nudged him with one hand.

"Adam. Adam, get up." I muttered impatiently. He awoke with a start and looked around hopefully.

"Are we there yet?" he asked before taking an obnoxiously large swig of soda. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair.

"Nope." I stated, popping the 'p', "We're still about an hour out. Just thought that sleeping beauty had slept all they needed too." Adam groaned and collapsed back into his seat.

"You do know that Sleeping Beauty gets woken up with a kiss right?" He whined, shoveling another handful of Doritos into his mouth. I gaped at him.

"What?" he protested, "Do you have any idea how many Disney Princess movies and products I have addressed to 'Gracie' in my closet?" I shook my head at him and looked back out at the road.

"And you didn't burn those in the bonfire because...?" I asked. Adam looked down at the bag of chips in his hand.

"Because my mom thinks they'll be worth something someday. It would have been awesome to watch Sleeping Beauty's face melt off, though." he added thoughtfully.

"So not the point, man." I remarked satirically, "Anyways, did Clare text you back yet?" Adam had been texting Clare on and off all afternoon, trying to figure whether she would fall back into my arms or attempt to punch me in the face when we showed up on her grandmother's doorstep. At this point it could go either way. Adam gave a spectacular yawn and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"Yeah, about ten minutes ago she said something about how she was going to help her grandmother make brownie." he recited monotonously. I glanced at him.

"Is that it?" I asked disappointedly. Adam rolled his eyes and checked his phone again.

"Oh. Yeah, about halfway down it says, I'm sorry I'm going to commit suicide in about twenty minutes. Thought you'd want to know." he responded sardonically. I glared at him before focusing back on the road.

"Hilarious Adam. Really charming." I countered, gripping Morty's steering wheel tighter. Adam shrugged.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were whipped, so because I do, I'll just say, that while you act all tough guy Eli with a heart of steel, you're actually a ginormous, mushy fluff ball." he said simply. I glared at him again.

"Only for one person though." I muttered. There really wasn't any point to arguing with him. I'd already said so many lovesick things to Adam in private I really didn't want to hear his reasons.

"Yeah. Three guesses who." Adam put a finger under his chin in mock thought, "Could it possibly be the girl we're driving _half way across the province _to see?" I rolled my eyes and Adam took a giant gulp of Mountain Dew, finishing off the last of supply.

An hour later and we still weren't there yet because of the six pit stops we had to take.

* * *

_**clare.**_

_**

* * *

**_

Once Gram had left me alone in my bedroom, I stared down at my phone, scrolling aimlessly through my contacts. Who was it that I really wanted to talk to right now? I paused briefly on Alli's name, before continuing to move down my contact list. Alli was my best girlfriend, but I was lying to myself if I said that nothing had changed between us.

Ever since the start of this term, she had been so wrapped up in Drew and Jenna that she had almost neglected me completely. In a moment of complete bitterness last weekend, I had considered that she should look at what that had gotten her, before quickly erasing the thought from my mind.

I scrolled past Eli's name altogether. I hadn't been able to get him out of my head all week, and I ached to hear his sarcastic banter, but I wasn't emotionally ready to face him yet, even if it was just in a text message. I needed to take baby steps, I needed to go slow, whereas Eli tended to take steps that were comparable to an elephant, and move with the speed of a jet. I would be kidding myself if I said I could handle that right now.

Adam was a safe choice. Adam was a constant, and he wasn't going to push me into talking about things I wasn't ready to. If anyone knew about feeling like all of your wires were crossed on the inside, it was Adam.

Quickly, before I could change my mind, I typed out the message and hit send. While I was at it, I decided to send an e-mail to Darcy. Most likely it was a lost cause considering she hadn't even responded to my last few, but while I was rearranging my life, I might as well make another attempt.

_Hey Darce,_

_So how is saving the world going? It must be working out pretty well since you haven't responded in a while. I'm on winter break at Gram's right now. She says hi. _

I paused my fingers over the keys and ran my hand through my hair in frustration,trying to think of something else to write. Darcy hadn't been home in well over a year and it was getting harder and harder to find things to make conversation with. There was just so much she didn't understand.

The next hour I spent alternating between texting Adam and writing long paragraphs to Darcy and then deleting them. It felt good to text Adam again. It had only been four days, but it had seemed like forever.

Eventually I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, where my grandmother was getting out the supplies to make brownies. She winked at me when she saw me.

"It's nice to see you downstairs. Did you start mending things?" she asked. I set my phone down on the counter and helped her pull out one of the brownie pans.

"Yeah. I've been texting Adam for the better part of an hour." Gram nodded, and started to crack the eggs into the mixing bowl while I poured the brownie mix.

"The transgendered boy?" she asked absently, measuring out the vegetable oil. I spun around in the process of preheating the oven.

"Yeah. Gram, about the things I told you, especially Adam..." I trailed off. If my parents found out even the partial story of my life these past few weeks, I doubt they'd ever let me out of the house again. My Grandmother laughed and shook her head at me.

"Don't worry, Clare, all of your secrets are safe with me." She winked again and finished dumping the vegetable oil into the batter. I felt myself relax instantly.

"Thanks, Gram. For everything." I told her sincerely. Gram turned around and enveloped me into her arms.

"You're welcome dear. I know it may be hard to hear sometimes, but I feel that the truth is important, and needs to be said." she paused for a moment and let go of me to find the mixer, "But only if you can back it up with chocolate afterwards." she added, her eyes twinkling. I laughed wholeheartedly and took the mixer to plug it in to the wall.

"I must agree." I responded.

An hour later, we were sitting at the kitchen table with a plate of half eaten brownies, talking about things normal teenagers talk to their grandparents about, like my classes, and memories from when I was little. Eventually, the conversation died down, and the plate of brownies was pushed to the side in place of two cups of evening tea. It was one of the many things I look forward to when I come to Gram's house. She brews the best irish tea I've ever tasted. She always jokes that it's an ancient recipe that her mother stole from a leprechaun. Darcy and I used to love making up stories about how she'd done it.

"Gram, were you ever so mad at grandpa that you never wanted to see him again, but at the same time knew you couldn't live without him?" I blurted out. I had no idea where the question had come from, but there it was, out in the open. Gram's eyes were twinkling as she answered.

"Between you and me Clare, all the time." she answered simply, "But if anything,dear, it only made me love him more." I felt myself blush, and blinked a few times. Gram laughed and patted my hand reassuringly.

"Clare, I don't think that means that you love him." she told me, "But I do think it means that for right now, the two of you need eachother." I tugged anxiously at a lock of my hair and let the thought roll over in my mind.

Did I really need Eli? In my heart, I knew that it was true, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to awknowledge it just yet. After KC, I had been all for the "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" mentality, and had all but sworn off of relationships. And then I met Eli. The boy who dressed in all black, listened to screamo music, had more baggage than even me, and drove a _hearse _of all things. If my parents could have picked one boy that I absolutely, could not date, even if hell froze over and pigs flew over on ice skates, it would have been Eli. The boy that I now needed more than any other person I had ever known.

"Clare?" Gram's voice broke through my epiphanies for the second time that day as she peered out of the front window, her expression a mixture of extreme shock and euphoria.

"Yes?" I answered nervously, worrying my lower lip between my teeth.

"What type of car did you say that boy drives again?" she asked carefully. My eyes widened and I leapt up from my chair, nearly knocking it over in the process. Bolting over to the window next to my grandmother, I gazed out the window just in time to see two boys emerging from a very familiar hearse.

"No..." I breathed, watching as they made their way up the front walk.

The first one had something off about him that I could see from even a distance, he was taller, but it was the delicateness of his features that set him apart from the other. The second was shorter, but his dark appearance made up for anything his height took away. Just the sight of his face made my heart beat a tiny bit faster, and I could feel my face heat up as a reflex, preparation for the teasing sarcasm to come.

The pair reached the front door in a matter of seconds, and a moment later the doorbell rang through the house, echoing in my bones. I glanced Gram, who winked and gave me a look of encouragement before opening the door.

The blue eyes met the green, and any intelligent thought or witty comeback I had been preparing evaporated. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Adam scratching the back of his neck nervously, and the corner of Eli's mouth quirk up in salutation.

"Miss me?"

* * *

_So baby keep my heart beat b-beat beat beating. _

_You're the soul reason i keep believing_

* * *

**_A/N- So there's a cliffy, sorry if this felt like a filler because it kind of was :/ _**

**_1. Updating. So labor day weekend is now over & I have to go back to school. yay (note the sarcasm). Anyways, this means the real world has to become a priority again. I will try to update at least every other day, but depending on homework and other things, I may end up doing more or less than that. Please bear with me._**

**_2. The conversation between Eli and Adam was really fun to write :) I hope you guys liked it, hope you liked the chapter ending, because I really struggled with where to wrap it up_**

**_3. Canadian readers- Was I right about the distance from Toronto to Kingston? I google mapped it, but I wasn't sure._**

**_4. Thank you for all the reviews,alerts,favorites! I appreciate them so much!_**

**_5. Song was Heartbeat by Stereo Skyline. Not sure it fit as well as the other two did, but I tried. Next up is Say By John Mayer_**

**_Hope you guys have a great Monday (ha. Is there such a thing?)& please review!_**

**_Sydney_**


	4. Say

**F O U R.**

_Say._

* * *

**clare.**

_Take all of your wasted honor_

_Every little past frustration_

_Take all of your so-called problems,_

_Better put 'em in quotations_

_Say what you need to say_

* * *

My initial reaction was to slam the door in his face.

He had driven three hours just to come back and screw with my life even more. _And _he had dragged Adam along with him. The audacity might have astounded me, but this was Eli, and I cursed myself for not expecting it. I tightened my grip on the doorknob, preparing to shut it, when I caught sight of his eyes, and the expression reflected in them.

To anyone who didn't know any better, the green orbs were the picture of absolute confidence, complete with the smirk and witty remarks to back it up. But I had been trained to look deeper, because with Eli, everything real and true was hiding just under the surface, waiting for the right person to uncover it. And looking deeper into his eyes, I could see it. That tiny spark of anxiety and the fear of rejection that shone brighter than everything else once you noticed it. It wasn't enough to melt the stone protecting my heart, but it was enough for me to drop the doorknob, and move to make room in the doorway.

"Did you want to come in?" I asked tightly, ignoring Eli's opening comment altogether and motioning for the pair to cross the threshold.

Adam beamed and stepped eagerly into the house and I could hear Gram take in a giddy breath as Eli entered behind him, stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking at his feet. He didn't smile or show any emotion, but I noticed that the fear had disappeared from his eyes when he looked up again. I looked between them awkwardly.

"Um. Gram, this is Adam, and-"

"Eli. Yes, I know." Gram interrupted impatiently, before turning on the boy in question, "Clare's told me so much about you." I turned scarlet and watched as Eli looked up and smirked at me. I averted my gaze quickly in order to give my grandmother a pointed look.

"Tell me about it." Adam interjected, clapping Eli on the shoulder, "He hasn't shut up about her since the day we met." Eli immediately turned a crimson color, and I laughed out loud. He turned to scowl at me.

"So, Adam, Clare tells me that you are found of chocolate." Gram began slowly. I gave her a beseeching look that was quickly forgotten once Adam cut in again.

"Yes. I am. Are those brownies I smell in the air?" he asked with exaggerated curiosity. I could see Eli shaking his head and gaping at him, and I could almost hear the face palm going on in his head.

I really regretted texting him about my afternoon plans.

Gram nodded vigorously.

"Why yes, Clare and I just baked them this afternoon!" she took him by the arm and began to lead him into the kitchen before calling over her shoulder, "Clare, why don't you show Eli the dining room. You two can catch up in there as long as you keep-"

"The door open, yeah I know." I muttered acidly under my breath, before turning to Eli. He looked back at me expectantly and I rolled my eyes.

"Ugh. Come on." I groaned, taking on for the small dining room. Eli followed silently behind me and I tried to keep my thoughts from straying to how nice he looked tonight, and the way his green eyes seemed to shine brighter in the chandelier's light.

Once inside, I half shut the two glass doors and collapsed into one of the chairs with a huff, staring up at him expectantly. He looked at the glass doors for a long moment, head tilted to one side, an inquisitive expression besmearing his features before sitting in the chair next to mine, pushing it so that he was facing my profile.

"Well?" I stated impatiently, attempting to remove the bitter note from my voice. He thought for another moment before finally speaking.

"Why aren't we allowed to shut the doors?" he asked finally, "They're made of glass, so what's the point?" I sighed and felt my firm exterior crack a tiny bit. Two minutes alone and he'd found the chink in my armor.

"It's because of Darcy." I explained simply, "Closed doors make everyone in my family nervous as of late." Eli quirked an eyebrow up and I could almost hear his mind whirring.

"Who's Darcy?" he responded, looking confused. I tugged at a piece of my hair and blinked a few times. I tried to think back. I'd told him about Darcy hadn't I? But as I tried to think of a time when it might have come up, I drew a blank. I slowly scooted my chair so that I was facing him, our knees a few inches apart. I took a deep breath.

"Darcy was- _is _my older sister." I clarified, trying to push back the memories of her that came flooding back. Eli knit his eyebrows together and drummed his fingers on the ebony table next to us.

"What happened to her? I don't remember you-"

"I've never told you about her." I interrupted.

I had to give him credit. In my mind, he would just come out with the elephant in the room; the one subject we all knew we needed to talk about. But instead, here he was, asking questions about my almost nonexistent sister, like he had driven all this way just to talk about Darcy. A part of me wanted to scream at him to just come out with it already, but another part- the dominant part- secretly thanked him for understanding me the way he did.

"Oh." I nodded and tugged a little harder at my curl as I searched for the right words to describe her.

"She was raped a little over a year and a half ago," I said finally, fingering my own purity ring as I spoke, "and it really just messed her up inside. She went kind of crazy and was suicidal for a long time. Then she got better, and ended up going over to Kenya to help build a school there. She said it was to save the world, but in reality she's just punishing herself."

I felt tears threatening to spill over as I wrapped up my anecdote, but I refused to let them fall before I'd finished. Eli sat listening patiently as I tried to keep it together.

"She hasn't come home ever since." I gave a sour laugh, "Just one more person in my life who's left me." I rested my hand on the table in defeat, looking down at the polished wooden floor.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli's hand give a small fluttering movement, as though he was going to take my hand but had thought better of it, before reaching up and running it through his hair instead.

"Dammit Clare, I'm sorry. I didn't know." he murmured. I looked up at him, and suddenly it all came circling back.

_I had almost lost him_. I'd been practically meditating on the thought all week, but just the sight of him, there, in the flesh, the ability to hear him apologize for something he had had no part in, to see his eyes light up when I had opened the door, to hear him still breathing, made it all the more real to me. He could be gone right now, lying cold and bereft in a casket somewhere, and I would never be able to tell him everything I needed to; everything I still wanted to.

It was about then that the near translucent pieces of thread that had been formerly holding my life and soul together snapped in half, and everything came thundering down around me.

* * *

_**ELI.**_

_Walking like a one man army_

_Fighting with the shadows in your head_

_Living out the same old moment_

_Knowing you'd be better off instead,_

_If you could only_

_Say what you need to say_

* * *

Besides burying Julia, the hardest thing I've ever had to do was watch Clare break down right in front of me and not be allowed to touch her. Two feet away and I knew I couldn't help her. It wasn't me that she wanted; she'd made that clear from the moment I'd showed up. I sighed heavily and leaned over and place my fingers over hers against my better judgment. If anything at all I expected her to pull away. She wanted Darcy and I was a poor substitute.

But this was Clare, the girl that had been surprising the hell out of me since the day I met her. So naturally she fell crying into my arms. I waited a moment to make sure it wasn't an accident before gathering her into my arms more comfortably. Clare tensed for a moment as my arms made contact, but relaxed almost immediately. We could both feel the slight awkwardness in the gesture, but Clare needed someone to hold her, and I just needed to _feel _her again. Was it possible for her to have become more beautiful in the short time since I had seen her last?

She stayed that way for a good ten minutes in silence before finally saying something.

"You could have left me." she began in a shaky voice, lifting her head from my chest. I look down at her waterlogged blue eyes and realized that we weren't still talking about only Darcy. I wanted to answer her. To tell her that I knew that, and that she had to believe me when I said that I hadn't wanted things to end this way, but I knew that she needed to get this out. So for once in my life I kept my comments to myself and let her speak. _Only for Clare._

"Didn't you think about that? Did you ever consider how I would have felt? How I would have- what I would- my own-" Her curls were sticking up wildly around her face and her features were red and tearstained, but her eyes blazed as she attempted to get the words out properly. Eventually she gave up on articulation all together and leaned forward, shoving my left shoulder with all her might. It wasn't exactly what you'd call a gentle blow either.

I felt my eyes narrow slightly automatically. Clare, on the other hand, instantly let her eyes widen and her fingers cover her mouth in shock.

"I'm so sorry." she whispered, her voice full of remorse, "I've never- I didn't mean to- you almost died and I just-" She trailed off, her eyes moving rapidly from my shoulder to my face. I rolled my eyes at her impulsive kindness. Clare would have apologized to Hitler if she'd found a reason to.

"I'm appalled Saint Clare." I cut her off teasingly," You of all people should know that violence is never the answer." I flashed a smirk, but on the inside I could feel my heart racing. The ball was in her court now. I could see her fighting an inner battle on whether or not to return it.

"No," she said finally, "it's not. Violence is the question, the answer is yes." I watched the sparkle return to her eyes, as she pushed me again, and I reciprocated it with a rare smile.

"Ouch." I responded, feigning pain in my left shoulder again. Clare's eyes immediately focused in on it.

"I'm so sorry, Eli. Do you want some ice?" she asked worriedly. This time I laughed out loud, shaking my head and she finally caught on, giving me a reproachful look.

"I'm fine. Really, you're clearly not as strong as you think you are." I assured her, rotating my shoulder while I ran a hand through my hair in an attempt to pacify her.

Clare rolled her eyes and looked out the window behind me, mumbling something about "masculinity" and "stupid" and "boys". We collapsed back into the heavy silence, both of us knowing that the conversation we'd been waiting for was moments away, yet neither of us wanting to take the first step. I took in a deep breath.

"Clare-" I began softly. Her eyes snapped from the evening scenery outside back onto mine.

"Eli, we don't have to-" she was afraid, and if I was being completely honest, so was I. But if I wanted to keep her from disappearing from my life forever, then this had to be done.

"Yeah, we do. If we ever want things to go back to the way they were." I was pleading with her to understand. To let me comfort her. To let me call her mine again. Clare gazed at me with sad eyes and shook her head.

"How can things possibly go back to normal after something like this?" she asked, her voice breaking, "Eli, you almost died, and I had to just stand there and watch. How are we supposed to forget something like that?"

I let out a breath that I wasn't aware I had been holding and shifted in my chair.

"I've got no idea. Maybe things won't ever going to go back to they were, or maybe they will." I gave her the most honest answer I could, before sitting up a little straighter in my seat, "But I do know that I'm going to fight like hell to get them as close as they can be." I paused and took in a deep breath.

"And maybe, possibly, we could fight through it together." I finished tentatively, looking up at her. If there really was a God out there, now would be a good time for him to remember me.

Clare bit down on her bottom lip and averted her eyes from mine, glancing down at the floor.

"I need you." she said suddenly, peeking up at me to see my expression, "I've got absolutely no idea why, but for some bizarre reason, I need you around me to function the way I'm supposed to. And even when I'm completely furious with you and should want you as far away from me as possible, I still need you around me. These past few days have been hell on earth, and I'm pretty sure that means that even though I'm still mad at you, I just can't say no anymore."

She stole another glance at me shyly, and I could see that she was blushing profusely. Her blue eyes caught my green ones, and suddenly our faces were inching towards the other's.

Our lips were centimeters apart and I could feel her cool breath on my own. I closed my eyes...

I felt her inch away at the last second. I looked up at her questioningly and she blushed.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, "I want to. I'm just not ready to fall just yet. I just- can't." she finished nervously. I shook my head and pressed my lips to her forehead; she leaned longingly into my touch and I pulled away after what would be considered longer than necessary.

"It's okay." I replied, "I understand." And I did. Hadn't she just given me all the space in the world? I wasn't exactly ecstatic to return the favor, but I would do anything for her.

"Thank you." she answered softly, pressing her hand into my own. I responded by resting my forehead against hers.

"And Clare?" I asked.

"Mhmm?" she closed her eyes and her arms wrapped around my neck.

"I need you too." I informed her sincerely, "Even if you are still mad at me."

Clare took at step back from me and smiled. The first real one she'd given all day. We had a long uphill battle ahead of us these next few months, and I knew that it would be a long time before she could fully forgive me, but right now- right now she was standing right in front of me with her hair springing wildly in all directions, her eyes still somewhat waterlogged and glassy, and her face red and tear marked.

And she'd never looked more beautiful.

* * *

_Even if your hands are shaking_

_And your faith is broken_

_Even as the eyes are closing_

_Do it with a heart wide open_

_Say what you need to say_

* * *

**A/N- You didn't think that I was going to make it easy for them did you? This is not the happy ending, I promise you (Clare's still mad at Eli remember?). I had difficulty starting off Eli's POV section this time, and I'm not sure if I kept to the whole "realistic" thing all that well this time... o.O**

**Anyways,**

**1. Next chapter we find out about Adam and Gram's conversation in the other room. And there's some more Eclare obviously. :) Haven't decided what the song is yet, but this chapter's song was "Say" by John Mayer**

**2. Please try to excuse any typos in this chapter. My keyboard has been extremely annoying tonight, and it keeps sticking. Ugh. I tried to get everything, but if I missed a really blatant error (like a skippe letter changes the actual word) please let me know. **

**3. Song ideas/situations for upcoming chapters? I welcome suggestions!**

**4. Sorry for the lack of update-age yesterday. I had dance all yesterday afternoon and was swamped with homework...Thanks to all of you that are sticking with the story!**

**Please review!**

**Sydney**


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